he was(delete)

我招了，那天起我每天回家都泡在Youtube和影片下載的網站裡。
雙子的魅力很難招架的。

標籤： 日記似的。

咳，我絕對是無心的。只是今天在查Silbermond的bass guitar兄弟的時候意外發現這個樂團的，由於無法否認在第一眼的時候我就被"很多人第一眼會把Bill(主唱)認成女孩" "Bill和吉他手Tom是雙胞胎"之類的詞句吸引過去。
然後不得不說，正。
(特別是Bill這個髮型。本人對其餘....呃、太前衛的髮型沒興趣。)

音樂方面(目前)倒是比較推薦Silbermond。

於是我就浪費了半個下午和晚上在這裡。

標籤： 日記似的。

看到那些文字開始覺得我真的是急速退化，到了某種令人嫌惡的地步。別說那些文字本來就不是要特意寫給他人看的好了，我自己也看的發懵了。
雖然我在過去就是個性格曲線扭曲嚴重反社會成分濃厚的人，可是我那時可以靠著不服輸的心情把所有恐懼都壓抑下來，用不想輸的理由把情緒壓抑下來。說來好笑但是事實，我過去每天都在檢討自己一天下來的言行舉止，認真探討我該怎麼反擊才會顯得高明俐落。夠可笑的了，說實在，感覺受到攻擊覺得屈辱我就馬上變得很尖銳，急於在最短時間內表現自己才是贏家而且會贏的相當漂亮；不過雖然蠢但是我還會把持情緒的分寸。(儘管在某方面那些才算是失控的才對。)

現在想想我也不清楚自己怎麼變成那個樣子。我沒看過在我身邊有像我這麼好勝的人，唯一似乎算是的那個讓我失望到不想去思考他的可能性。不過與其說是想贏，我只是不想輸而已。我討厭站在那裡被他們在遠方看，誰知道那是什麼眼神，我只明白我強烈感覺到自己處於下風，而且我覺得那種感覺很恐怖，還非常討厭。
然，現在我一點也沒再強烈厭惡哪個人了，可是負面的情緒還是積存著。我容易感到挫折而且強烈恐懼失敗，卻又在同時間自傲得連自己都看不過去，總覺得隨時處於不安定的狀態。 (懼怕陌生的東西或許也是因為這樣，因為生疏所以容易出紕漏，而我覺得那樣的疏失即是失敗。)
所以我無法討厭那些在文字影像或者其他管道呈現出來的人類性格是綜合矛盾尖銳自戀又自卑還相當懦弱的形象，我完全不會討厭那些人，這還可能也是我很容易喜歡任性的人的原因。我總是把自己投射在每件事上，每一件事。

(到了後面完全沒主題了，也罷，反正這也僅是發洩。)

標籤： 日記似的。

'Hey, is everybody nice?'Allen asked. After PE class, in the school gym.

'No, nobody nice.'said I.
'---Oh, I'm NICE. See?' That was Cent.
'O, you're kidding.'
'No. I'm serious!'
'You are sirius?'
'No, I'm Potter.'
'Ha! Then I am Professor Dumbledore.'

標籤： 日記似的。

好，我承認我的愚蠢。
我不小心在電視上聽到一首和阿嬤有關的歌，我馬上就想著夠了不要再唱了，不要再唱了混帳。

我從來沒為他們做什麼。努力不驚擾他們達成我的夢想本來就是理所當然的事情，我竟然還覺得不甘心，真是不知羞恥。我連媽媽的生日都不知道。真是不知羞恥。連父親節都沒有像樣的禮物，真是不知羞恥。只會想著自己而已真是不知羞恥到了極點。
我有什麼好怪他們的，全都是我自己一個人造成的，全都是我的錯。
他們逼我了嗎沒人逼我啊我還在那邊怨天怨人，做不到就是我能力不足有什麼好抱怨的，真是無恥啊我。以為他們看都不看我就可以隨便了嗎，我本來就應該這麼做的不是嗎。職責，義務，吃人一口還人一斗啊，我就算做盡了這輩子也還不起、還不起啊我還想怎樣啊我。
我不想說髒話，但是我真的是他媽的大爛人。
不好好努力用功，阿嬤每次都在說「讀書更重要」啊我是聾了嗎我是混帳啊我真的是大混帳我好討厭我自己。我以為我是什麼人，可以隨心所欲任性妄為嗎。憑什麼啊我憑什麼。
保護不了他們只敢懦弱的站在旁邊就算了連這麼基本的事情都不到，到底是他們給我打造了美好樂園的假象還是我硬要裝得一切都很美好啊搞清楚，阿嬤都說「讀書比較重要，要早點睡覺不要打電腦了那些沒有讀書重要啊。」
為什麼我就只想到我自己這麼懦弱這麼沒用，連混文憑的本錢都沒有。

我真得好討厭我自己。
我覺得當我父母的人真的好可憐，我好混帳為什麼有我這種混帳啊。
我好可恥。

標籤： 日記似的。

我受夠我自己了。 憨死了。真的憨死了。
連一張能看的獎狀都沒有。

標籤： 日記似的。

標籤： 日記似的。

我說好我該好好自制，但是我沒做到，我晃蕩一整天然後又在終點崩潰絕望。有時我希望有人能救我，有時候我希望誰都好，救不了我也罷只要懂我的困擾就行了。懂我究竟是被什麼樣的東西追趕，懂我究竟在怕什麼。但大部分的時候我只是憎惡自己的愚蠢同時又悲憫自己的無助。

最後我回溯到了碩國僅存的標籤裡，看著我惡意忽略掉的更新，打算惡人做到底毀掉最後的幾分鐘。可是我看到了。老實說我一開始並不確定自己看到了什麼，但是後來我就清醒了。我原本打算把那些句子引到這篇文章裡來，最後放棄了。
說實話吧，那樣並沒有意義。
我沒有哭，我只是覺得自己好蠢，夠蠢了。實際上那應該是更深沉的悲慟才對，竟然被我如此膚淺的看待。

我不是不相信所有人對我說的話。不包含我的母親，她不相信我，也不了解我，可是怪不得她因我什麼也沒跟她說──想得到她會說什麼。但是不管誰說了什麼都不會改變事實。
我(在自負的同時)自卑軟弱缺乏毅力不負責任，精神更是脆弱的可以。
我很少掉眼淚大概只是因為過去就不這麼幹了可是我還是會掉眼淚的，為了在他們眼裡無足輕重的事情，哭到沒辦法順利換氣。

所以我不敢說自己的測驗結果。或許這看起來像遊戲，或許根本是我自作多情，或許在其他人眼裡我根本就是毫不可取的次文化崇拜者，可是它說我和他是同一類的人。
窒息感。有點類似，我說不上來。

說來更愚蠢了，在那一段自暴自棄的時間之後我只能以他最為目標期待自己。(看，根本已經變成沒藥醫的次文化崇拜者了) 我十五歲了。或許我最後還是會失敗(其實維持現狀也是失敗)，我恐懼失敗，但是我什麼都沒做。但是他做了些什麼。儘管他失敗了，而且我相信很大的一部分的原因是因為他自己，但是我還沒做什麼。
所以，要說「抱歉」還是哭幹麻的就等一切都結束的時候吧。

標籤： 日記似的。

Time runs, someone follow, someone stay,
and will never move again,
The ghosts won't come,
and we won't froget them still,
so we will go to find,
till we see them and bring them back to our life again.

標籤： 布幕之後。

Taipei is quite cold, and wet. I just backed in this morning, and it was not difficult to guess what was the weather would be like, so I remembered to say good bye to the lovely sun in Tainan. Well, actually it followed us till we passed Hsinchu. It seemed that the dark clouds only around the poor city.

I don't know how to type my feeling into the words. When I saw you on the Net. Again.
It sounds strange-you'er a stranger; you became a stranger. For me.
But it also sounds true. Obviously, we're not only a window apart now, even once we could be face to face. I don't want to act like I never feel empty because I forgot the days before I knew you, but, also, I'm forgetting the days I lived with you.
First time, I felt you would never be in touch though we ever lived in a same world.

Time goes by, we went apart, the moment go dead, bury in the old days.
Someday I might forget you all, and I wouldn't be surprised then.

標籤： 日記似的。

雖然這麼講好難聽，但是呢，就算你告訴我你也是一樣的立場只是你沒表明而已不代表你沒有，這不代表我就不可以大喊求救吧? 就算這席話是告訴我「別撒嬌了大家都是一樣的」，但是我還是可以可憐自己哀號吧? 這是我讓自己安心的方式啊。如果你自己忍受不了這麼做也可以啊，如果你認為我這太任性的舉動簡直是無理取鬧你做不出來的話就別做啊，告訴我這樣的話，其實我覺得你也在撒嬌呢。
或許我這話實在太自我中心太過分了一點也不懂體貼，但是我覺得當時這麼對我說的你也很過分喔。 或許你是為我好吧，的確，我現在也好很多了，而且應該說都要謝謝你吧。
因為你讓我知道了我真的很討厭目前的處境。
確實，儘管心態轉換但我還沒強大到能打敗所有人的地步，不過我認為這點覺醒是很重要的。我不覺得就算我不強好了也該待在像今天這麼弱的地位。
自信自尊什麼的，都很重要但也不是那麼要緊。
總之，先前那些亂七八糟的情緒終於因為這樣的想法明朗化了，不過就是這個心情：我討厭當弱者。

標籤： 日記似的。

Gus Van Sent/ Paranoid Park
Elephant
(Gerry)
(My Own Private Idaho)
(Last Days)

Richard Linklater/ Before Sunrise
Before Sunset

Rain Johnson/ Brick

Gregg Araki/ Mysterious Skin

Almodovar/ Bad Edocation

Sidney Lumet/ Dog Day Afternoon



評估這單子的性質毫無疑問是存在這裡的，但還是當作生存證明丟一份到pixnet去了。我真的很想嘗試無憂無慮窩在沙發中一部接著一部度日的生活。

標籤： 日記似的。

‘Welcome to China, Mr. Isaac. I will be your guide and interpreter in these days you stay here.’ That’s the age we first met. Though I wasn’t use to see Asian faces then, I could looked out how different between he and the other Chinese. While he talked to me, his almond eyes were narrow, so I wasn’t sure his eyes were black or not, maybe they just as brown as this guys stayed in Italy waiting for me finish the “holiday”. But I appreciate his eyesight, which I also didn’t like.
‘My name is Hu Xiaoying.’ said he, smiling. ‘You can call me Xiaoying.’
‘So… is there a Tiger Conservation Center?’ He drove me to our own mountain from public airport by himself. ‘On the surface, yes, it is. But we smuggle tigers and some other felines privately.’
We crossed many bridges in the way. Every time I looked down, there was always a dark river waiting for my eyes. Dark and dirty and turbid.
‘Tigers? It that a hot market? Johnson never tell me the business of China.’
‘As I guess, sir. This work is not that important in all our businesses. I think you team in center seldom hear about what we do, and Boss also seldom care about our work by himself.’
‘In this way you said, it sounds like I just come to the Orient Edge of Bloc, eh?’
‘May be right, Mr. Isaac.’ He smiled, again.


‘Can you show me the information of all your businesses here?’ the room for me there was not bad, nothing I wanted to nit-pick, except it was too smaller than the one in Italy. ‘Yes, Mr. Isaac. But I remember you are being on holiday, or I got wrong?’
‘Yep, maybe that is what they said. But go on holiday? Me? Don’t keep act like you didn’t know at all, Xiaoying, I don’t like to see you do so.’
‘Yes, Mr. Isaac. But it wasn’t Boss ask you to go to a holiday in our villa?’
‘John has known that I won’t just be on a holiday. Maybe he really wanted me to take a rest, however it wouldn’t be the only purpose. Anyway, I thought he neglect here too much, and so did he, probable. I think that is why he asked me to have a holiday here.’ I noticed everything was ready when I arrived here; the servants had arranged for my things, and Xiaoying gave me a tea, black tea, though I didn’t remember he ever went away from me.
‘I understood, sir, I will arrange. After your dinner. Which one you would like to try better? Chinese or Italian?’ I drank a little tea, thanks to its taste, I knew that the next time I should try something else, such as coke or coffee. ‘Humm…do you have American fast food?’
‘No, but we will get some before dinner time, of course.’
‘Well, if I were you, I will get more than ever. You had better remember this: I like to eat fast food recently. Oh, and this, I don’t like your manner of speaking.’
‘Yes, Mr. Isaac. I will improve.’ He smiling, as he always kept do so, quite unhurriedly. That’s was which I didn’t like, too.


‘Mr. Isaac, we can visit the Conservation Center first today, and the information is ready. Do you wand to see it right now?’ The next day, Xiaoying knocked my room door when I was eating the burger for breakfast, which was much better their black tea. However I didn’t like their working manner still, ‘cause people in Italy never let me wait for anything. But I thought that just because they couldn’t know who I am really clearly, as Xiaoying said, here just liked the Edge. ‘No, but put them on my office desk. I will see them later.’
‘Yes, Mr. Isaac.’
‘Oh, and why you said we will see the Conservation Center first, why not about the factory? I remember I told you I want to see factories today, didn’t I ?’
‘Yes, sir, you did. But I am afraid that we can’t visit factories that soon. There are some complicated procedures, you know, we should disguise ourselves as a legal organization on the surface. And I think if you want to know our work, Conservation Center is a start better than factories.’
I raised my eyebrows. You think, eh?
‘Fine. But how soon we can visit the factory? I won’t have a pretty long holiday as you may think.’
‘As soon as possible, sir.’
I heard he closed the door, they opened the air conditioners in those rooms for me, but I notice they didn’t do so for themselves. The monsoon of Asia, huh? I thought even though they do such things for me, I wouldn’t like Chinese still. Especially the kind which use to smiling with narrowed their almond eyes.


Sometimes I understood why I don’t like those Asian quiet distinctly, such the time I first saw the real Chinese chess. This age I was finding Xiaoying. That was a bad behavior they had the impudence to let me find my own interpreter by myself especially they weren’t have the conditioners in everywhere, maybe, I didn’t know what way is they use to serve for their chief, but anyhow, that was not my way, and I was the boss to everyone except Johnson so they should worked in this way I use to do, not theirs.
When I found him, he was playing the chess with other guy in his own place, which was very difficult to find out.
Didn’t need any explanation, he knew I was in a bad mood even I didn’t shout until then. ‘Ha, you are here, I just guess is everyone working outdoor, how a hard-working nation! So, what are you doing here while I was finding you form door to door? Playing a Chinese chess?’
‘I’m so sorry, Mr. Isaac, that’s our fault. If you don’t mind, the next time you want to find me, you can cell the switchboard in your room and they will ask me to meet you.’
‘Uh-huh, but next time I hope you will tell me about the phone first. Now that I ‘m here, so why don’t I see you play the game? I never see people play the real Chinese chess before.’ I sat down beside them, the other guy looked a little nervous about my appearance. I guessed I didn’t see him before then, but obviously, he knew me. ‘Don’t be afraid, I won’t eat you.’ Said I, smiling, to the guy.
‘Sorry sir, but he didn’t learn English so he can’t know what we are talking about.’ said Xiaoying.
‘That’s okay, you’re my interpreter, remember?’ I took the cap of coffee on the desk in front of me, his or the other’s, it doesn’t matter, I didn’t mind it, they didn’t have a conditioner in his room and I couldn’t stand any longer like kept to wait for my own cap.
‘Yes, sir. And, do I have this honour to play a game with you?’
‘Me? I didn’t ever play Chinese chess you known that, still more you have had a mate already, isn’t he?’
‘You mean he?’ smiled him, and I saw the guy looked more nervous like he could guess what we said. ‘He’s also not really good at playing Chinese chess, I just caught someone wasn’t working then at will. So, how about you? Everything has the first, Mr. Isaac.’
‘Well, maybe I can try. “Everything has the first”, good saying.’
I admitted that it was not a really difficult game, even I didn’t know what normality the game is, however I also couldn’t ask anyone because Xiaoying let go the guy before we started the game. When the game ended, he smiled: ‘Prove to be Mr. Isaac, the winner in the first try.’
‘You should known, the chess is not tougher than the western one. But I hope if it will be next time, you can be serious about playing with me.’
‘Oh? Why did you think I’m not serious, Mr. Isaac?’
‘Don’t take me for a fool, Xiaoying, I’m not, and so do you. And then, I just remembered I have told you I don’t like to see you acting, right?’
‘Yes, sir, I will remember it.’
‘You had better to do so. Now, just take me back to my room, I cannot bear to stay in the air anymore.’


Trust me, their Tiger Conservation Center would be the sickest scene you never ever seen before. Yeah, no one there was vomiting, but no one can feel well in there. Tigers lay down together, sleeping or be asleep. I didn’t know why the children could scream when they saw the tigers. A hare would be more horrible than those guys. And about they could keep operate, it really made me feel inconceivable.
‘Mr. Isaac, what you thinking about the center?’ The day we went there with the visitors, only Xiaoying and me, we had to dress as the visitor, he gave a foolish hat and sunglasses to me to block the sun.
‘Many big fat cats are lying together.’ Side I, ‘It looks so sick.’
‘Actually, that just what they are. They are the feline livestock.’
I stared at him behind the sunglasses, but he looked back at me smilingly, and I noticed his almond eyes in the sun would become brown, or just because the sunglasses? Whatever he was, I thought that was the secret they could keep live in the age. And, it also would be the one of the reasons I didn’t like Asia.
‘Okay, that’s enough.’ I took out the sunglasses, but his eyes didn’t go into black. ‘I want to go back.’
‘But you don’t see the feeding show yet.’ Even though he said as this, he took over the sunglasses, and turned the face back.
‘Well, I think your boss won’t anger with this. And I really wouldn’t like to see those guys eat anything. You don’t want me vomit right here. Do you?’
‘No, sir.’ said he, still smiling.


Those nights I stayed there were too sultry for me. Going there in summer was a fault, I knew, but because I stayed in the mountain so it wasn’t that bad, I sometime can went out still. The balcony of my room was big but there wasn’t any pretty scenery, at least in my eyes. However I liked there for the early-morning, and I always stood in balcony waiting my servants knock my door to wake me up. There was quite silent when the morning the sun just climbed the other side of mountain. Every sound whether it was loud or not would be very clearly in that time.
‘Wow, so surprising, John, call me in your working time?’
I rested on the railing holding the cell-phone between head and shoulder by the neck, and looked down the railing. Pretty green, but also boring.
‘Okay, I’m sorry I forgot to call you before this, but don’t kidding me, I has been apologetic. Forgive me. Alright, return from the digression, Isaac, did you have a good holiday there?’
‘Not really terrible as I guessed, but there is an impolite guy around me all the time.’
‘Oh, really?’
‘Yeah, he is my interpreter and guide. But it is not the point. I have seen their factories and the working report. You should came with me, do you know, I saw their tiger-bone medicated wines’ factory and Tiger Conservation Center. And guess what, they got the national burglarproof label of tiger-bone medicated wine.’
‘I’m not surprised, anyhow their center has passed the national authentication.’
‘Right, they really have the competent, my guide just told me China has joined the CITES since 1981, and the prohibition of exchanging the tigers’ bone issued in 1993. How a long time, isn’t? But they still have a hot market exchange the tigers. Fur, bone, meat… Chinese always surprise me.’
‘You know, in such country like China always has the best market.’
‘Uh-huh, so, do you want to finish here?’
‘Not yet, and according your saying, I think it will live for a long time.’
‘Well, they have this value. Then, can I come back tomorrow? And next time you need someone to go to the distant place work for me, don’t ask me again. Maybe you can ask Bob.’
‘OK. And for my apology to you, I will ask them to pick up you by our personal aircraft.’
‘Finally. I think I may forgive you.’ I hang up the cell-phone and went to answer the door. I was ready to tell these almond eyes I would like to say goodbye to them.




notes:
Hu Xiaoying=虎肖英
CITES=Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora 華盛頓公約

Finally, thanks for Cent provided the title.

標籤： 布幕之後。

Don't ask me why I always be out the rail as usual especially on the weekend. That's what you're good at, not me.
Don't try to censure me, just give me something useful, such as a really useful advice.
Humm... I know everything is too late. Two days, how can I do all this things in two days going to school?
But I have to try still, anyhow.
Because I'm not that well-behaved, am I, eh?

標籤： 日記似的。

The sunshine crossed the lattice and downed into his cover, where he hid and cried, there wasn't really dark enough for him to feel safe so he couldn't stop dropping the waters on his bed. But they wouldn't come here and see him. Wouldn't be so fast at least.
It was afternoon, the other children should all out the door playing at the grass or sitting at the tree shade. He covered up his eyes, the noise out to the lattice sounded too far and far, he couldn't be sure that they were in the same world still. Everybody were in the sunshine only I am not; I face away from the sun, I'm in the shadow. He thought, wiping the tears again and again.
However, he got wrong. There weren't only he boy in the shadow, the other one just closed the bedroom door. Very slowly and lightly. But he didn't saw him at all.

We can start a new life. Just you and me.
We can go somewhere no one else know and no one else will find out us taking us bake here. I know the way which can take us away here and they won't notice that before we get to the place million miles far. We will disappear like we evaporate in the sun. They won't catch us.
I promise.

It was late summer, and the weather wasn't start to be cool and everything was bright and vitality, almost everything. He lifted a hand to block sunlight and narrowed eyes when he walked up on the stairs. He didn't like summer. It always made him thought about his dad. The shining and bright hair, the shining and bright and foolish smiles of the shining and bright and foolish and best Dad, his father, his only family. They went to the seashore near their old house hand in hand every summer in the past when he was a kid. Dad always told him summer is the best season and it also is their season because they both be born in summer. But Dad also gone in summer.
Thus, he couldn't like summer any more. It brought the world to him but took them away too.
Therefore, everything happened in summer wouldn't be the good luck for him. He thought.
The door of president's office was near enough for him to touched.
He knocked, and trembled slightly.

Stretch out your hands, follow me.

"Don't be strained, we don't think that was you, we just want to know the reason."
"......but it wasn't me, sir."
"Oh, no no no, don't be that scared, my boy. You can tell me the truth, we will all forgive you. Won't we?"
"Yes, I know, sir, but it really wasn't me, I can't give you any reason."
"Oh, maybe you don't get the point. Look, boy, Mr. Taheri won't mind your little mistake at all, nothing will be change, such a kind man Mr. Taheri is. Isn't he, eh?"
"......"
"Okay, don't worry, I got it, you don't want to let him know that, right? Maybe we can tell nothing to him, sure, we can. Now, you just give a reason to me. Was it about your school, eh? But Mr. Taheri is a millioniar, he can takes you to any school you want, and he will, I am sure. Maybe you didn't really know that. I know. It wasn't all your fault. I really understand......"
No, you don't. He shouted in mind and nearly crying. But he only could keep silent.
No one would got a good result they wanted in this meeting, he knew, and so did the other shadow-boy. Thus, he just waited, waited behind the office wall.

Please, please follow me. We can ran away from all.
Trust me.

He walked on the wooded path in the manor, this asylum might be the holding of landlord who had the rank in the past, whatever, they owned a pretty garden with the same-like wooded path. He walked, and saw some leaves' edge were getting faded. For goodness' sake, they are being dead, and summer may be died down, too. He thought, while the wind was blowing across the woods. He felt he sky was quite clear and sunshine was really genial.
Did it sign the summer is gone, did it sign everything is go away, and did it sign the bad luck will be end?
He asked in mind and narrowed eyes, under the sun.

"So, got the answer, eh?" the Shadow Boy went up to him from the hide of the trees when he went back. It looked like he had been waited for him there.
He nodded. "Maybe you're right. I cannot stay here any more."
"You, and me. We both can't stay here, no one should be held by them, especially we." said that boy.
"So, when will we go away, as you promised?"
"Now," said Shadow Boy, smiling. "as I promise."

Maybe it meant the autumn, the new start.
He thought, when they crossed the gate of the asylum, to the new life, with his new family.



100-48

New words cover the old idea, right?

標籤： 布幕之後。

Everything I look now is carzy. It's very difficult to typeing my feeling into words. I need to calm down, just now.
Okay. Maybe I should explain what the situation being now, but I am unable to do so. That isn't the circumstances I want to see, it should be more rational more clear more order as I thought, even thougt it has been so.

I must try again tomorrow.
More rational more clear and more order.

標籤： 日記似的。

標籤： 日記似的。

That's a panic about be helpless of the own numb.

I had been hurt by a fall, I had keeled myself over, I had a experience be out of control in the public space.

For a time I hope someone could find me and tell me which way I should go, but I'm not such foolish now. The place that is injured has formed a scar, the place that is rubing also had the callus.
So even I am still afraid, I knew it never can be a fairy tale.

標籤： 日記似的。

I have known what is true before they came up to me.
I couldn't change them, although I have uaed to tell the stories to everyone even myself disguising the truths as I dreaming of. I knew, no one would be deceived by me, but I couldn't stop doing so.

I hope I can be the actor who I wanna be.

標籤： 日記似的。

act.1
他按著傷口跌跌撞撞地從門外走進來，而你只是坐在地上看著這一幕。 那雙大眼睛發現你之後瞪地更加渾圓突出，然後猛地低頭，儘量用最快的速度一瘸一瘸地跑進房間裡。你一點也不意外。羞恥，憤怒，恐懼，你看著他佈滿血絲的眼睛、淌血的嘴角、瘀腫的眼框、因為拉扯而變形的衣袖、從領口露出一片擦傷的鎖骨，它們用盡一切在向你敘述究竟是什麼樣的事情在你視野觸及不到的地方發生了。也許，你心不在焉地想著，他連自己的事情也知道了。──那麼他一定會更加討厭自己吧。

act.2
你看著他從那條晦暗的巷子中走出來，不就前洗劫來的東西全都自手心消失了。那的確是個藏匿人的好地點，早該想到了，你自我檢討著。但，「你不覺得我們家的地下室會更安全嗎？」你問到。不出所料，他滿臉猙獰驚訝地看向你，好一會兒才擠出了一句：「媽媽不回答應的，那傢伙也是。」你點頭表示了解。但實際上你覺得以他的能力而言，要說服他們甚至直接偷渡肯定都不是問題。「還有，」離開前他向你這麼補充道，滿臉警戒，那雙眼睛看起來惡狠狠又小心翼翼。「你不要再來這裡了。」說完，下一秒他便隱沒進另一條暗巷不見蹤影。

act.3
你一開始並不打算窺探任何事，那是因為他和那個人實在太大意了，這麼大剌剌地出現在街道上。不得不承認，這回你真的有些驚訝了。自從他那天傷痕累累的逃回家後你以為往後大概不可能再遇上這種情形了，但你估錯了。
你開始好奇那傢伙的來頭。

act.4
你在那裡等待著，那個傢伙果真如願出現。 確實，打架並非你的強項，但是只要掌握技巧加上適度的勁道，成果不容小覷。可你似乎只要碰上有關他的事情失算率就會提高。對方再怎麼說也不是路邊混混的等級。他就在你被打到重心不穩的那一刻出現。他的出現阻止了後續的可能發展，你捕捉到了他臉上一閃而逝的訝異，但接著是他濃縮了不解和戒備的神情。「別管他了，我們走吧。」他說那句的時候眼神是停留在你身上，不過最後他終究一句話也沒對你說。你無法移動四肢，只好闔上雙眼聽著他們離開的腳步聲。

他走了。(接著你回想起，或許你早就料到了這天終將會到來。)

標籤： 布幕之後。