sorry, this blog is closed. please move to http://1453-eryne.blogspot.com/
shoutbox --> http://keehl.shoutmix.net

0 意見 2.17.2008

好,我承認我的愚蠢。
我不小心在電視上聽到一首和阿嬤有關的歌,我馬上就想著夠了不要再唱了,不要再唱了混帳。

我從來沒為他們做什麼。努力不驚擾他們達成我的夢想本來就是理所當然的事情,我竟然還覺得不甘心,真是不知羞恥。我連媽媽的生日都不知道。真是不知羞恥。連父親節都沒有像樣的禮物,真是不知羞恥。只會想著自己而已真是不知羞恥到了極點。
我有什麼好怪他們的,全都是我自己一個人造成的,全都是我的錯。
他們逼我了嗎沒人逼我啊我還在那邊怨天怨人,做不到就是我能力不足有什麼好抱怨的,真是無恥啊我。以為他們看都不看我就可以隨便了嗎,我本來就應該這麼做的不是嗎。職責,義務,吃人一口還人一斗啊,我就算做盡了這輩子也還不起、還不起啊我還想怎樣啊我。
我不想說髒話,但是我真的是他媽的大爛人。
不好好努力用功,阿嬤每次都在說「讀書更重要」啊我是聾了嗎我是混帳啊我真的是大混帳我好討厭我自己。我以為我是什麼人,可以隨心所欲任性妄為嗎。憑什麼啊我憑什麼。
保護不了他們只敢懦弱的站在旁邊就算了連這麼基本的事情都不到,到底是他們給我打造了美好樂園的假象還是我硬要裝得一切都很美好啊搞清楚,阿嬤都說「讀書比較重要,要早點睡覺不要打電腦了那些沒有讀書重要啊。」
為什麼我就只想到我自己這麼懦弱這麼沒用,連混文憑的本錢都沒有。

我真得好討厭我自己。
我覺得當我父母的人真的好可憐,我好混帳為什麼有我這種混帳啊。
我好可恥。

0 意見

我受夠我自己了。 憨死了。真的憨死了。
連一張能看的獎狀都沒有。

0 意見 2.16.2008

0 意見 2.15.2008

我說好我該好好自制,但是我沒做到,我晃蕩一整天然後又在終點崩潰絕望。有時我希望有人能救我,有時候我希望誰都好,救不了我也罷只要懂我的困擾就行了。懂我究竟是被什麼樣的東西追趕,懂我究竟在怕什麼。但大部分的時候我只是憎惡自己的愚蠢同時又悲憫自己的無助。

最後我回溯到了碩國僅存的標籤裡,看著我惡意忽略掉的更新,打算惡人做到底毀掉最後的幾分鐘。可是我看到了。老實說我一開始並不確定自己看到了什麼,但是後來我就清醒了。我原本打算把那些句子引到這篇文章裡來,最後放棄了。
說實話吧,那樣並沒有意義。
我沒有哭,我只是覺得自己好蠢,夠蠢了。實際上那應該是更深沉的悲慟才對,竟然被我如此膚淺的看待。

我不是不相信所有人對我說的話。不包含我的母親,她不相信我,也不了解我,可是怪不得她因我什麼也沒跟她說──想得到她會說什麼。但是不管誰說了什麼都不會改變事實。
我(在自負的同時)自卑軟弱缺乏毅力不負責任,精神更是脆弱的可以。
我很少掉眼淚大概只是因為過去就不這麼幹了可是我還是會掉眼淚的,為了在他們眼裡無足輕重的事情,哭到沒辦法順利換氣。

所以我不敢說自己的測驗結果。或許這看起來像遊戲,或許根本是我自作多情,或許在其他人眼裡我根本就是毫不可取的次文化崇拜者,可是它說我和他是同一類的人。
窒息感。有點類似,我說不上來。

說來更愚蠢了,在那一段自暴自棄的時間之後我只能以他最為目標期待自己。(看,根本已經變成沒藥醫的次文化崇拜者了) 我十五歲了。或許我最後還是會失敗(其實維持現狀也是失敗),我恐懼失敗,但是我什麼都沒做。但是他做了些什麼。儘管他失敗了,而且我相信很大的一部分的原因是因為他自己,但是我還沒做什麼。
所以,要說「抱歉」還是哭幹麻的就等一切都結束的時候吧。

0 意見 2.11.2008

Time runs, someone follow, someone stay,
and will never move again,
The ghosts won't come,
and we won't froget them still,
so we will go to find,
till we see them and bring them back to our life again.

0 意見 2.10.2008

Taipei is quite cold, and wet. I just backed in this morning, and it was not difficult to guess what was the weather would be like, so I remembered to say good bye to the lovely sun in Tainan. Well, actually it followed us till we passed Hsinchu. It seemed that the dark clouds only around the poor city.

I don't know how to type my feeling into the words. When I saw you on the Net. Again.
It sounds strange-you'er a stranger; you became a stranger. For me.
But it also sounds true. Obviously, we're not only a window apart now, even once we could be face to face. I don't want to act like I never feel empty because I forgot the days before I knew you, but, also, I'm forgetting the days I lived with you.
First time, I felt you would never be in touch though we ever lived in a same world.

Time goes by, we went apart, the moment go dead, bury in the old days.
Someday I might forget you all, and I wouldn't be surprised then.

4 意見 2.04.2008

雖然這麼講好難聽,但是呢,就算你告訴我你也是一樣的立場只是你沒表明而已不代表你沒有,這不代表我就不可以大喊求救吧? 就算這席話是告訴我「別撒嬌了大家都是一樣的」,但是我還是可以可憐自己哀號吧? 這是我讓自己安心的方式啊。如果你自己忍受不了這麼做也可以啊,如果你認為我這太任性的舉動簡直是無理取鬧你做不出來的話就別做啊,告訴我這樣的話,其實我覺得你也在撒嬌呢。
或許我這話實在太自我中心太過分了一點也不懂體貼,但是我覺得當時這麼對我說的你也很過分喔。 或許你是為我好吧,的確,我現在也好很多了,而且應該說都要謝謝你吧。
因為你讓我知道了我真的很討厭目前的處境。
確實,儘管心態轉換但我還沒強大到能打敗所有人的地步,不過我認為這點覺醒是很重要的。我不覺得就算我不強好了也該待在像今天這麼弱的地位。
自信自尊什麼的,都很重要但也不是那麼要緊。
總之,先前那些亂七八糟的情緒終於因為這樣的想法明朗化了,不過就是這個心情:我討厭當弱者。

0 意見 1.27.2008

Gus Van Sent/ Paranoid Park
Elephant
(Gerry)
(My Own Private Idaho)
(Last Days)

Richard Linklater/ Before Sunrise
Before Sunset

Rain Johnson/ Brick

Gregg Araki/ Mysterious Skin

Almodovar/ Bad Edocation

Sidney Lumet/ Dog Day Afternoon



評估這單子的性質毫無疑問是存在這裡的,但還是當作生存證明丟一份到pixnet去了。我真的很想嘗試無憂無慮窩在沙發中一部接著一部度日的生活。

0 意見 1.20.2008

‘Welcome to China, Mr. Isaac. I will be your guide and interpreter in these days you stay here.’ That’s the age we first met. Though I wasn’t use to see Asian faces then, I could looked out how different between he and the other Chinese. While he talked to me, his almond eyes were narrow, so I wasn’t sure his eyes were black or not, maybe they just as brown as this guys stayed in Italy waiting for me finish the “holiday”. But I appreciate his eyesight, which I also didn’t like.
‘My name is Hu Xiaoying.’ said he, smiling. ‘You can call me Xiaoying.’
‘So… is there a Tiger Conservation Center?’ He drove me to our own mountain from public airport by himself. ‘On the surface, yes, it is. But we smuggle tigers and some other felines privately.’
We crossed many bridges in the way. Every time I looked down, there was always a dark river waiting for my eyes. Dark and dirty and turbid.
‘Tigers? It that a hot market? Johnson never tell me the business of China.’
‘As I guess, sir. This work is not that important in all our businesses. I think you team in center seldom hear about what we do, and Boss also seldom care about our work by himself.’
‘In this way you said, it sounds like I just come to the Orient Edge of Bloc, eh?’
‘May be right, Mr. Isaac.’ He smiled, again.


‘Can you show me the information of all your businesses here?’ the room for me there was not bad, nothing I wanted to nit-pick, except it was too smaller than the one in Italy. ‘Yes, Mr. Isaac. But I remember you are being on holiday, or I got wrong?’
‘Yep, maybe that is what they said. But go on holiday? Me? Don’t keep act like you didn’t know at all, Xiaoying, I don’t like to see you do so.’
‘Yes, Mr. Isaac. But it wasn’t Boss ask you to go to a holiday in our villa?’
‘John has known that I won’t just be on a holiday. Maybe he really wanted me to take a rest, however it wouldn’t be the only purpose. Anyway, I thought he neglect here too much, and so did he, probable. I think that is why he asked me to have a holiday here.’ I noticed everything was ready when I arrived here; the servants had arranged for my things, and Xiaoying gave me a tea, black tea, though I didn’t remember he ever went away from me.
‘I understood, sir, I will arrange. After your dinner. Which one you would like to try better? Chinese or Italian?’ I drank a little tea, thanks to its taste, I knew that the next time I should try something else, such as coke or coffee. ‘Humm…do you have American fast food?’
‘No, but we will get some before dinner time, of course.’
‘Well, if I were you, I will get more than ever. You had better remember this: I like to eat fast food recently. Oh, and this, I don’t like your manner of speaking.’
‘Yes, Mr. Isaac. I will improve.’ He smiling, as he always kept do so, quite unhurriedly. That’s was which I didn’t like, too.


‘Mr. Isaac, we can visit the Conservation Center first today, and the information is ready. Do you wand to see it right now?’ The next day, Xiaoying knocked my room door when I was eating the burger for breakfast, which was much better their black tea. However I didn’t like their working manner still, ‘cause people in Italy never let me wait for anything. But I thought that just because they couldn’t know who I am really clearly, as Xiaoying said, here just liked the Edge. ‘No, but put them on my office desk. I will see them later.’
‘Yes, Mr. Isaac.’
‘Oh, and why you said we will see the Conservation Center first, why not about the factory? I remember I told you I want to see factories today, didn’t I ?’
‘Yes, sir, you did. But I am afraid that we can’t visit factories that soon. There are some complicated procedures, you know, we should disguise ourselves as a legal organization on the surface. And I think if you want to know our work, Conservation Center is a start better than factories.’
I raised my eyebrows. You think, eh?
‘Fine. But how soon we can visit the factory? I won’t have a pretty long holiday as you may think.’
‘As soon as possible, sir.’
I heard he closed the door, they opened the air conditioners in those rooms for me, but I notice they didn’t do so for themselves. The monsoon of Asia, huh? I thought even though they do such things for me, I wouldn’t like Chinese still. Especially the kind which use to smiling with narrowed their almond eyes.


Sometimes I understood why I don’t like those Asian quiet distinctly, such the time I first saw the real Chinese chess. This age I was finding Xiaoying. That was a bad behavior they had the impudence to let me find my own interpreter by myself especially they weren’t have the conditioners in everywhere, maybe, I didn’t know what way is they use to serve for their chief, but anyhow, that was not my way, and I was the boss to everyone except Johnson so they should worked in this way I use to do, not theirs.
When I found him, he was playing the chess with other guy in his own place, which was very difficult to find out.
Didn’t need any explanation, he knew I was in a bad mood even I didn’t shout until then. ‘Ha, you are here, I just guess is everyone working outdoor, how a hard-working nation! So, what are you doing here while I was finding you form door to door? Playing a Chinese chess?’
‘I’m so sorry, Mr. Isaac, that’s our fault. If you don’t mind, the next time you want to find me, you can cell the switchboard in your room and they will ask me to meet you.’
‘Uh-huh, but next time I hope you will tell me about the phone first. Now that I ‘m here, so why don’t I see you play the game? I never see people play the real Chinese chess before.’ I sat down beside them, the other guy looked a little nervous about my appearance. I guessed I didn’t see him before then, but obviously, he knew me. ‘Don’t be afraid, I won’t eat you.’ Said I, smiling, to the guy.
‘Sorry sir, but he didn’t learn English so he can’t know what we are talking about.’ said Xiaoying.
‘That’s okay, you’re my interpreter, remember?’ I took the cap of coffee on the desk in front of me, his or the other’s, it doesn’t matter, I didn’t mind it, they didn’t have a conditioner in his room and I couldn’t stand any longer like kept to wait for my own cap.
‘Yes, sir. And, do I have this honour to play a game with you?’
‘Me? I didn’t ever play Chinese chess you known that, still more you have had a mate already, isn’t he?’
‘You mean he?’ smiled him, and I saw the guy looked more nervous like he could guess what we said. ‘He’s also not really good at playing Chinese chess, I just caught someone wasn’t working then at will. So, how about you? Everything has the first, Mr. Isaac.’
‘Well, maybe I can try. “Everything has the first”, good saying.’
I admitted that it was not a really difficult game, even I didn’t know what normality the game is, however I also couldn’t ask anyone because Xiaoying let go the guy before we started the game. When the game ended, he smiled: ‘Prove to be Mr. Isaac, the winner in the first try.’
‘You should known, the chess is not tougher than the western one. But I hope if it will be next time, you can be serious about playing with me.’
‘Oh? Why did you think I’m not serious, Mr. Isaac?’
‘Don’t take me for a fool, Xiaoying, I’m not, and so do you. And then, I just remembered I have told you I don’t like to see you acting, right?’
‘Yes, sir, I will remember it.’
‘You had better to do so. Now, just take me back to my room, I cannot bear to stay in the air anymore.’


Trust me, their Tiger Conservation Center would be the sickest scene you never ever seen before. Yeah, no one there was vomiting, but no one can feel well in there. Tigers lay down together, sleeping or be asleep. I didn’t know why the children could scream when they saw the tigers. A hare would be more horrible than those guys. And about they could keep operate, it really made me feel inconceivable.
‘Mr. Isaac, what you thinking about the center?’ The day we went there with the visitors, only Xiaoying and me, we had to dress as the visitor, he gave a foolish hat and sunglasses to me to block the sun.
‘Many big fat cats are lying together.’ Side I, ‘It looks so sick.’
‘Actually, that just what they are. They are the feline livestock.’
I stared at him behind the sunglasses, but he looked back at me smilingly, and I noticed his almond eyes in the sun would become brown, or just because the sunglasses? Whatever he was, I thought that was the secret they could keep live in the age. And, it also would be the one of the reasons I didn’t like Asia.
‘Okay, that’s enough.’ I took out the sunglasses, but his eyes didn’t go into black. ‘I want to go back.’
‘But you don’t see the feeding show yet.’ Even though he said as this, he took over the sunglasses, and turned the face back.
‘Well, I think your boss won’t anger with this. And I really wouldn’t like to see those guys eat anything. You don’t want me vomit right here. Do you?’
‘No, sir.’ said he, still smiling.


Those nights I stayed there were too sultry for me. Going there in summer was a fault, I knew, but because I stayed in the mountain so it wasn’t that bad, I sometime can went out still. The balcony of my room was big but there wasn’t any pretty scenery, at least in my eyes. However I liked there for the early-morning, and I always stood in balcony waiting my servants knock my door to wake me up. There was quite silent when the morning the sun just climbed the other side of mountain. Every sound whether it was loud or not would be very clearly in that time.
‘Wow, so surprising, John, call me in your working time?’
I rested on the railing holding the cell-phone between head and shoulder by the neck, and looked down the railing. Pretty green, but also boring.
‘Okay, I’m sorry I forgot to call you before this, but don’t kidding me, I has been apologetic. Forgive me. Alright, return from the digression, Isaac, did you have a good holiday there?’
‘Not really terrible as I guessed, but there is an impolite guy around me all the time.’
‘Oh, really?’
‘Yeah, he is my interpreter and guide. But it is not the point. I have seen their factories and the working report. You should came with me, do you know, I saw their tiger-bone medicated wines’ factory and Tiger Conservation Center. And guess what, they got the national burglarproof label of tiger-bone medicated wine.’
‘I’m not surprised, anyhow their center has passed the national authentication.’
‘Right, they really have the competent, my guide just told me China has joined the CITES since 1981, and the prohibition of exchanging the tigers’ bone issued in 1993. How a long time, isn’t? But they still have a hot market exchange the tigers. Fur, bone, meat… Chinese always surprise me.’
‘You know, in such country like China always has the best market.’
‘Uh-huh, so, do you want to finish here?’
‘Not yet, and according your saying, I think it will live for a long time.’
‘Well, they have this value. Then, can I come back tomorrow? And next time you need someone to go to the distant place work for me, don’t ask me again. Maybe you can ask Bob.’
‘OK. And for my apology to you, I will ask them to pick up you by our personal aircraft.’
‘Finally. I think I may forgive you.’ I hang up the cell-phone and went to answer the door. I was ready to tell these almond eyes I would like to say goodbye to them.




notes:
Hu Xiaoying=虎肖英
CITES=Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora 華盛頓公約

Finally, thanks for Cent provided the title.

0 意見 1.13.2008

Don't ask me why I always be out the rail as usual especially on the weekend. That's what you're good at, not me.
Don't try to censure me, just give me something useful, such as a really useful advice.
Humm... I know everything is too late. Two days, how can I do all this things in two days going to school?
But I have to try still, anyhow.
Because I'm not that well-behaved, am I, eh?

1 意見 1.12.2008

The sunshine crossed the lattice and downed into his cover, where he hid and cried, there wasn't really dark enough for him to feel safe so he couldn't stop dropping the waters on his bed. But they wouldn't come here and see him. Wouldn't be so fast at least.
It was afternoon, the other children should all out the door playing at the grass or sitting at the tree shade. He covered up his eyes, the noise out to the lattice sounded too far and far, he couldn't be sure that they were in the same world still. Everybody were in the sunshine only I am not; I face away from the sun, I'm in the shadow. He thought, wiping the tears again and again.
However, he got wrong. There weren't only he boy in the shadow, the other one just closed the bedroom door. Very slowly and lightly. But he didn't saw him at all.

We can start a new life. Just you and me.
We can go somewhere no one else know and no one else will find out us taking us bake here. I know the way which can take us away here and they won't notice that before we get to the place million miles far. We will disappear like we evaporate in the sun. They won't catch us.
I promise.

It was late summer, and the weather wasn't start to be cool and everything was bright and vitality, almost everything. He lifted a hand to block sunlight and narrowed eyes when he walked up on the stairs. He didn't like summer. It always made him thought about his dad. The shining and bright hair, the shining and bright and foolish smiles of the shining and bright and foolish and best Dad, his father, his only family. They went to the seashore near their old house hand in hand every summer in the past when he was a kid. Dad always told him summer is the best season and it also is their season because they both be born in summer. But Dad also gone in summer.
Thus, he couldn't like summer any more. It brought the world to him but took them away too.
Therefore, everything happened in summer wouldn't be the good luck for him. He thought.
The door of president's office was near enough for him to touched.
He knocked, and trembled slightly.

Stretch out your hands, follow me.

"Don't be strained, we don't think that was you, we just want to know the reason."
"......but it wasn't me, sir."
"Oh, no no no, don't be that scared, my boy. You can tell me the truth, we will all forgive you. Won't we?"
"Yes, I know, sir, but it really wasn't me, I can't give you any reason."
"Oh, maybe you don't get the point. Look, boy, Mr. Taheri won't mind your little mistake at all, nothing will be change, such a kind man Mr. Taheri is. Isn't he, eh?"
"......"
"Okay, don't worry, I got it, you don't want to let him know that, right? Maybe we can tell nothing to him, sure, we can. Now, you just give a reason to me. Was it about your school, eh? But Mr. Taheri is a millioniar, he can takes you to any school you want, and he will, I am sure. Maybe you didn't really know that. I know. It wasn't all your fault. I really understand......"
No, you don't. He shouted in mind and nearly crying. But he only could keep silent.
No one would got a good result they wanted in this meeting, he knew, and so did the other shadow-boy. Thus, he just waited, waited behind the office wall.

Please, please follow me. We can ran away from all.
Trust me.

He walked on the wooded path in the manor, this asylum might be the holding of landlord who had the rank in the past, whatever, they owned a pretty garden with the same-like wooded path. He walked, and saw some leaves' edge were getting faded. For goodness' sake, they are being dead, and summer may be died down, too. He thought, while the wind was blowing across the woods. He felt he sky was quite clear and sunshine was really genial.
Did it sign the summer is gone, did it sign everything is go away, and did it sign the bad luck will be end?
He asked in mind and narrowed eyes, under the sun.

"So, got the answer, eh?" the Shadow Boy went up to him from the hide of the trees when he went back. It looked like he had been waited for him there.
He nodded. "Maybe you're right. I cannot stay here any more."
"You, and me. We both can't stay here, no one should be held by them, especially we." said that boy.
"So, when will we go away, as you promised?"
"Now," said Shadow Boy, smiling. "as I promise."

Maybe it meant the autumn, the new start.
He thought, when they crossed the gate of the asylum, to the new life, with his new family.



100-48

New words cover the old idea, right?

0 意見 1.08.2008

Everything I look now is carzy. It's very difficult to typeing my feeling into words. I need to calm down, just now.
Okay. Maybe I should explain what the situation being now, but I am unable to do so. That isn't the circumstances I want to see, it should be more rational more clear more order as I thought, even thougt it has been so.

I must try again tomorrow.
More rational more clear and more order.

0 意見 1.06.2008


明天,我要去問問老師「您認真的評估下,我可能上北一嗎?」還有有機會住宿嗎;明天,我要清晰地好好讀完題本不要因為緊張弄掉了原本理解的答案;明天,我要開始計算我讓家裡花費掉多少開支及我收藏起來的錢;明天,我要開始讀Lola Rose背2000基本單字;明天我要清光電腦裡不必要令人分心的東西;明天起我給自己直到週末的時間考慮要跟Mihael Keehl斷地多乾淨,順便也刪減自己的生活範圍。

然後假日的時候我要整理照片、我要丟棄所有的日本動畫影片。

然後然後寒假的時候,我要履行所有讀書計畫,我要丟光漫畫或者封箱。(小說沒關係,因為我可以光看封面而滿足免掉沉溺。)

然後然後然後,夏天來的時候,我要看Gus Van Sant的Elephant、Paranoid Park,或許還有Gerry和My Own Private Idaho。我不喜歡後現代主義的抽象圖畫,可是我很喜歡後現代主義的電影。
我要好好決定未來的計畫,我要讓我儘管迎接毫無成就的十五歲生日但能在十八歲生日時已有所作為。

0 意見 1.05.2008

That's a panic about be helpless of the own numb.

I had been hurt by a fall, I had keeled myself over, I had a experience be out of control in the public space.

For a time I hope someone could find me and tell me which way I should go, but I'm not such foolish now. The place that is injured has formed a scar, the place that is rubing also had the callus.
So even I am still afraid, I knew it never can be a fairy tale.

0 意見

I have known what is true before they came up to me.
I couldn't change them, although I have uaed to tell the stories to everyone even myself disguising the truths as I dreaming of. I knew, no one would be deceived by me, but I couldn't stop doing so.

I hope I can be the actor who I wanna be.

0 意見 1.04.2008

act.1
他按著傷口跌跌撞撞地從門外走進來,而你只是坐在地上看著這一幕。 那雙大眼睛發現你之後瞪地更加渾圓突出,然後猛地低頭,儘量用最快的速度一瘸一瘸地跑進房間裡。你一點也不意外。羞恥,憤怒,恐懼,你看著他佈滿血絲的眼睛、淌血的嘴角、瘀腫的眼框、因為拉扯而變形的衣袖、從領口露出一片擦傷的鎖骨,它們用盡一切在向你敘述究竟是什麼樣的事情在你視野觸及不到的地方發生了。也許,你心不在焉地想著,他連自己的事情也知道了。──那麼他一定會更加討厭自己吧。

act.2
你看著他從那條晦暗的巷子中走出來,不就前洗劫來的東西全都自手心消失了。那的確是個藏匿人的好地點,早該想到了,你自我檢討著。但,「你不覺得我們家的地下室會更安全嗎?」你問到。不出所料,他滿臉猙獰驚訝地看向你,好一會兒才擠出了一句:「媽媽不回答應的,那傢伙也是。」你點頭表示了解。但實際上你覺得以他的能力而言,要說服他們甚至直接偷渡肯定都不是問題。「還有,」離開前他向你這麼補充道,滿臉警戒,那雙眼睛看起來惡狠狠又小心翼翼。「你不要再來這裡了。」說完,下一秒他便隱沒進另一條暗巷不見蹤影。

act.3
你一開始並不打算窺探任何事,那是因為他和那個人實在太大意了,這麼大剌剌地出現在街道上。不得不承認,這回你真的有些驚訝了。自從他那天傷痕累累的逃回家後你以為往後大概不可能再遇上這種情形了,但你估錯了。
你開始好奇那傢伙的來頭。

act.4
你在那裡等待著,那個傢伙果真如願出現。 確實,打架並非你的強項,但是只要掌握技巧加上適度的勁道,成果不容小覷。可你似乎只要碰上有關他的事情失算率就會提高。對方再怎麼說也不是路邊混混的等級。他就在你被打到重心不穩的那一刻出現。他的出現阻止了後續的可能發展,你捕捉到了他臉上一閃而逝的訝異,但接著是他濃縮了不解和戒備的神情。「別管他了,我們走吧。」他說那句的時候眼神是停留在你身上,不過最後他終究一句話也沒對你說。你無法移動四肢,只好闔上雙眼聽著他們離開的腳步聲。

他走了。(接著你回想起,或許你早就料到了這天終將會到來。)

0 意見 12.15.2007

Natale (Christmas)


斯夸羅是在羅馬尼亞出生的。


不過他對於這個故鄉的印象已經被歲月消磨殆盡,剩下課本中概略而客氣的文字,就算圖書館架上那些描寫入裏的說明也不夠細微足以勾起他對那塊土地殘破不堪的熟悉感。僅僅在義大利的夏天幾個特別炎熱的日子裡和聖誕節的時候,那個如水中的魅影般搖晃模糊不清的畫面才會離開遭時光塵埃掩埋至地底的街道。


迪諾曾經問他,羅馬尼亞是否真的是個美麗的地方,斯夸羅只是哼了聲將書脊壓到桌面上,告訴他,那些彩色印刷的照片就算標上名稱他也指認不出是個甚麼模樣。 他不明白迪諾是從何得知這個消息的,但是每天都有各式各樣的流言在走廊間傳播,遠勝過其他什勞子的中學,不過斯夸羅本來就是衝此而來,他不在乎,況且在這麼龐雜的小道資訊中就算有個一兩條是真如其事也不奇怪。再說這也只是條無傷大雅的花邊消息,一個已經被對當時的他而言彌足漫長的時間隔絕在後的故土,除了若有似無的一些倒影外根本甚麼也不剩。


剛認識迪諾的時候,斯夸羅只覺得他是個說沒用也不是最沒用、說有來頭卻又不是多有來頭的小家族的下一代繼承人。然後還是個容易淪為被欺負對項的滑稽角色。不過等到他們相識一段時間後,他才注意到原來迪諾身上每日更新大大小小的繃帶包紮不僅僅是受欺負之下的產物,還有來自於異於常人的笨拙。
還有,他也發現到這個看似沒用廢物的傢伙確實是個黑手黨家族的繼承人。儘管他總是在學校哪個階梯上不期而遇他摔地狼狽的身影──不管是外在還是內部因素──以及他那乾巴巴地笑容:嗨,斯夸羅。


忘記是哪年的一月七日,在他經過校門的時候碰到又渾身散發藥水味的迪諾,他幾乎不需要思考就能知道不久前迪諾大概又因為什麼理由和那群傢伙幹架然後被丟到廚旁後方的垃圾桶渾身擦傷。然而迪諾在他開口之前就先說了話。儘管沒有特別去回想,但是他卻始終沒有忘記那天迪諾曖曖的語調。

啊,斯夸羅,聖誕快樂。

那時是否有甚麼不輕不重的東西從撒夸羅的身上滑落悶悶地跌到了地上他不知道,他先是愣了一下,發覺自己無法辨識那個在那一刻衝到喉際的音節之後,索性就讓它氣若游絲地隨鼻息散逸到空中,改問他這傢伙是不是這回真的被打中大腦要害了。 怪了,我應該沒有記錯才對,東正教的聖誕節是一月七日吧?這是他得到的回答。他不記得自己究竟說了甚麼話,只記得後來臨走前他對迪諾說他的包紮技術真是亂七八糟,受了這麼多年的傷竟然連這點也不會長進。


窗外的濛濛細雨與有空調設備的圖書館讓窗戶起了層薄薄的水氣,斯夸羅當時只是剛好闔上那本他覺得很顯然是選錯本書的精裝文獻,百無聊賴之下,他隨手便翻開被上個學生遺留在旁那本黑色封皮的書。或許是巧合還是甚麼,當時斯夸羅是這麼認為的,但是後想想那是因為他根本沒有去留意書名便攤開書頁的關係,但看到那個熟悉的字跳入眼簾他的手還是稍微停頓了一下。

羅馬尼亞。

他盯著那個字半晌又隨便翻了幾頁才蓋上書,連同他先前拿的精裝本放回架上。


離開前他注意到窗外一陣吵鬧的聲音,幾個辨識度高的嗓音,他毫不懷疑雨甚麼的對於那些會拿口紅在法拉利的擋風玻璃上塗鴉的傢伙根本毫無阻擋作用。他在前往醫護室的路上順便從被雨水模糊清晰度的玻璃窗看了幾眼那幾個在河道旁笑成一團的人,發現灰濛濛的運河上行駛的船隻比前幾天少了部分。

斯夸羅走進醫務室的時候一個女孩子正好在與校醫交談,於是他甚麼也沒說,拿走了架上備有的幾條白毛巾的其中之一。看著他進出那個操著東歐口音的校醫對此沒置一詞。不過一直到那天聽著平時甚少開口的校醫和個女學生滔滔不絕的交談,斯夸羅才驀然想起或許這就是祂並不討厭醫務室的原因。

他將毛巾批在肩膀上,在附近的傘架隨手拿了一把就沿著圖書館外部的圍牆遠離校門。他看著溫吞的河面載沉載浮,難以辨明的混濁色澤,不時有中央的船隻經過江河面下的塵埃翻騰至水面。
接著,他就看到了,迪諾一隻手貼在路面上,乍看之下一如遭人丟棄滅跡的屍體。那副模樣如今回想斯夸羅還是覺得要算他看過迪諾學生時期最慘不忍睹地落魄樣子之一,要不是那天他伸手將這個已經虛脫無力的家夥拉起,也許今天的加百羅涅只能每年在此時對著運河回想那具浮腫的先繼承人暗自飲泣,阿爾巴雷諾也必須延後向世人展現他們在教育方面有不輸殺人藝術的本領。

「你這家伙,多少將來也會是首領級的人物。」斯夸羅說著鬆開那濕答答的衣袖,迪諾只是又展現了乾巴巴的笑容向他道謝。

後來斯夸羅將毛巾丟給那個比雨還溼的少年,看著他努力擰乾自己的衣服,才注意那些濺到自己的襯衫上的河水很冰冷,裸露在西風中握著傘柄的手指也逐漸發僵。

冬天來了。在他攙著迪諾回學校前,他看著這個溼漉漉的城市想到。


0 意見 10.28.2007

鑑於這裡的美好讓我發文章是毫無節制(面部抽蓄),所以我決定搬回鄭重麻煩囉唆但其實人也不錯的pixnet(....童言無忌)。
先前的帳號因為已經被妹妹大人得知,不宜久留,所以搬到這裡→Estremità



這裡短時間可能戒不掉,不過我希望能越快越好。
等我以後非常空閒我再回來繼續使用這個空間。(微笑)

0 意見 10.27.2007

當天色暗下來我發現我一如既往地整天一事無成(連該履行的義務都沒做)那一霎那我還以為我會砸了杯子。當然我終究沒有,不過不是因為什麼不應該這樣做的原因,只是我發現原來這種突發不具對象的怒火也可以有消極的方式。我連杯子也不想砸了。乾脆就這樣全部擺著好了,要發霉還是要爆炸我都不想管了。



天氣真的冷了,過敏算不上過敏感冒說不上感冒,反正就是一點也不好可也說不上差的情況。 我討厭他們一再跟我強調我不一樣,不能做他們能做的事情。當然,這只是我自己無稽的牢騷,都被唸了十幾年了早就該習慣了,不過既然都唸了十幾年了我之前一句話都沒說,現在發一下小牢騷總行吧。(我承認這是我任性。)其實他們大驚小怪了,也不是什麼罕見的體質,不過就是我們家族裡除了我之外再沒其他例子罷了。(由此推知這和家族遺傳一點關係也沒有,純粹是我的個人問題。)

然後因為天氣的因素又撞到小腿脛骨,折騰著乾脆不走路了,這種冷天,真他媽的痛。
這種日子足夠讓五官方向感都耳鳴。(當然我承認部分原因也是因為我向來就是心不在焉,滿腦子只顧想自己的事情。)


這樣下去哪時間才可以開始,我覺得我還沒開始就要完了。連高中都很無望。還心猿意馬地想什麼未來。
我到底都在幹什麼啊我。過去幾年來我都在做什麼。


連計畫本身我都覺得很糟糕。

我覺得對不起家人。
但是我卻有非這樣做的理由。我不知道是否有一天我會後悔,但我現在並不懊悔這種念頭出現,目前來說沒有任何一個足以打動我的思緒的人。 (或許有,但他沒出現。)


終究說來,或許問題的癥結就存在於我們重視的東西根本就不一樣。

2 意見 10.21.2007

我是第一次感受到這種情緒。
上一秒一切都還很正常,就在那一瞬間,卻被打地支離破碎。

我自認那是只要負擔1/2愧疚感的謊言。
因為我也不知道事實為何,而我所說的要算是不能否認的可能選項,錯就錯在我過於肯定。但是我明白,不管真相如何,肯定都荒誕不經。所以我撒謊。一個誰都能接受而且無傷大雅的謊話。就算會出問題也是我自己。
但那終究是個謊話。

我還能說什麼呢?
或許我真的是很有潛能。